Heavy rain. Glorious sunshine. Hard work. Play. Pride weekend. Drinking on the streets in Dublin. Too much vodka. Pints of Guinness. Stolen kisses from a beardy, Scottish stranger. Boldness and mischief. Power naps. Tired & emotional taxi drive home. Rant about the one who will never love me like I want him too. Sore head. Deleted texts. Long shower. Pork and leek sausages. Marlay Park. Drinking beer in the sun. Chilling with family. Listening to the Pixies, live, for the third time in my life. Black Francis storming off stage. Arcade Fire. Arcade fucking Fire. Regine dancing her ass off. Neon ribbons. Face paint. Confetti explosions. Meeting an old college friend. Giant U2 bobble heads. Nothing Compares to You. Sun down. Chinese lanterns. Wake Up. Getting lost. Ice cream. Silly strangers on a bus. No voice. Long sleep in on a Monday morning. Braids in my hair. Strolling through Dublin in the blazing sunshine. Burgers on a patio. Weekend debriefing & catch up. Cinema. Sun burn (pink with pleasure). Bed time. Happy. Grateful.
I’m reading “Courage, The Joy of Living Dangerously” by Osho and I’ve challenged myself to be a ‘real warrior’ for one month- to do the opposite of what I normally do in situations that scare me, or challenge me. I’m taking baby steps, of course. I’m not about to go base jumping or anything like that!
Osho believes that once you can do the opposite of your usual response, you will understand how to drop both responses, and therefore you can become truly fearless. For me, it’s also about stretching out the time between stimulus and response. While I’m not particularly impulsive in my behaviour, my negative thought patterns and anxieties can go from zero to ninety when triggered.
I’m only a week or so in, and already I have seen how things simply do not fall apart when I react differently. Instead of acting in a way I feel is incongruent, I’ve simply disengaged from situations where I would have been so fearful of rocking the boat, or angering someone or simply not being the person they want me to be. It is interesting and liberating. I don’t feel cowardly or brave, meek or assertive. I just feel like myself as my best self.
And when you showed me the Brooklyn Bridge in the morning, Ah God,
And the people slipping on ice in the street, twice, twice, two different people came over, goin to work, so earnest and tryful, clutching their pitiful morning Daily News slip on the ice & fall both inside 5 minutes and I cried I cried
That’s when you taught me tears, Ah God in the morning, Ah Thee
And me leaning on the lampost wiping eyes, eyes, nobody’s know I’d cried or woulda cared anyway but O I saw my father and my grandfather’s mother and the long lines of chairs and tear-sitters and dead, Ah me, I knew God You had better plans than that
So whatever plan you have for me Splitter of majesty Make it short brief Make it snappy bring me home to the Eternal Mother today
normally I listen to very chilled out music for yoga, but lately I’ve retreated back to LCD Soundsystem, and particularly this song. I’ve forgotten how meditative, and cathartic, their music, and similar music, is. Love it, love yoga, love music, love life. “You go & throw your little hands up” and let it all out.