try, try again

I can fall asleep easily. I fall into a deep sleep. My dreams are like films where nothing and everything happens, and it’s interesting and weird, and delightful. I often feel happy, sad, frightened, lonely, confused, bored and aroused in my dreams, and there is no space to question where I deserve the good feelings, or if I will get past the bad feelings. I simply just am in these dreams, and that is enough.

My problem is that I wake in the mornings, every morning, morning after morning, and nothing has changed. I wake up on these days and I try hard to do my best for myself and for others yet it doesn’t seem to be enough. I make changes in my life, I take risks.I push myself personally and professionally. I work hard at challenging my self-defeating thoughts and beliefs, and feel I make some headway.I take time for myself, I make time for family and friends. I am doing everything I possibly can. 

Then I fall asleep again at night, and wake up to another morning and, still, nothing has changed. It’s been years and years of trying, and everything and nothing has happened in these years; the horror of the mundane.  I grow more and more tired so I fall back asleep. I vow to try something new. I vow to stop trying at all. Sometimes I wish to close my eyes and never wake again.

I scare myself with these thoughts, so when I wake up, I try again. 

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